Diwali Blues

It's that time of the year again...when I get lower than an earthworm's bellybutton. Characteristic of a seasonal phase, I feel lonely and depressed and wonder what I'm doing so far away from the people I love. 

When I walk these streets and stare at cold, sterile buildings each trying to outdo each other, I miss Diwali all the more. And home.

I can almost see my little town's every street, every home lined with warm, glowing diyas. I can see mom greeting everyone she meets, sweets being exchanged and me gingerly waiting for the next big 'bomb'. I can still feel the unconfined excitement of the neighbourhood gang waiting for dad to bring 'patakis'. I can smell the crisp aroma of 'thukudis' and the sweet sensations of 'ladus' in your mouth. Every association of Diwali is nostalgic and inviting and lends a strange, warm glow that fills the insides of your heart.

Everyone's home and yesterday's phone call drove me to tears. Most of all my brat-of-a-niece. As she animatedly (& secretly) told me her plans to plant 'maale pataki' behind her unsuspecting uncle (read my bro), I remembered my antics. And the time I burnt the sole of my feet :) Mom complained about how 'electric' diyas were replacing the traditional ones. And I saw her point. From my very early Diwalis, I used to stay on late into the night, making sure that each diya being blown by the wind was replenished with a fresh flame. An act that gave me immense peace. We used to sit up and watch out for the last dying firecracker, leaving it's whimsical trail behind...signaling the end of another Diwali night.

I try at my end here to light a little diya in my home, but it's just not the same. Without the intangible warmth of family and friends to make it glow brighter, it seems incomplete and listless. 

A cynical old friend calls it my 'delusion' - typical of Indians living abroad who think it's romantic to sigh about India and home. Maybe it is, I don't really know...but as long as I still pine to be 'home' for Diwali (or otherwise!), I would like to remain in this perpetual 'state of delusion' :)

To all you guys out there, wish you a sparkly, bright and beautiful Diwali...with or without your loved ones.