Older, none the wiser

31. There, I've said it. *Breathe* *inhale* *exhale* *don't choke* I turned 31 last month. *breathe out*

Till I was teetering on 30, I convinced myself I hadn't tripped over the threshold yet and died. Basically, I had convinced myself (and everybody else, for that matter) that I was 29. Still. Yet.

And now 31. It means the threshold has been passed. The first foot set in. Not unlike the bride in hindi soaps that upturns a tin can of rice...and looks up to scowling faces of in-laws and a few outlaws. And no..I'm no fan of the 'new-age' Indian soaps. But I feel all the insecurities, depressions and countless 'phases' scowling down on me.

The question writ large on everybody's chastising, patronising countenance??
"30 and not married yet?" "30 and no man yet?" "30 and not married yet?" "30 and no man yet?"

Essentially the same thing. That brings me to the question “Is it such a horrible, horrible thing to be sans man while you cross that 30's threshold?”

To a certain extent, yes. To a large extent, no.

I do admit to pangs of loneliness and hopelessly waiting for ‘true’ love. I also admit to being much happier, saner while single.

I am deeply grateful to those men who entered my life at the right time and left at the right time. Grateful, despite everything for having given me all the love, all the attention and all the care. But grateful, most of all for letting me realize how important I am to me. And how much I need to hold on to my identity, thoughts, feelings…without being manipulated into changing my patterns.

At 31, what have I learned really? A lot…and not so much. Quite a bit and nothing at all.

What I’ve learnt is not to trade in ‘myself’ for anything in the world. To love and give without expecting much. To be content with myself and not so content at the same time…so that I’m always at competition with myself. I’ve learnt to cherish the few, long relationships-friendships and not take them for granted. I’ve learnt how to unlearn and start all over. Also learnt that even the most self-assured person in the world needs a kind word, a loving smile. Learnt to let bygones be bygones. Not to let regrets hang over my shoulders in a thick cloud. Learnt also not to judge too quickly.

What I’ve not learnt is to budget.

31…it’s got to be a hazardous journey from here on. Fun part is, I’ve got myself for company :)